"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband" Ephesians 5:22-33This is pure and strong wisdom from none other than our Creator. Why is it so important that we understand it as a whole? Because too many on both sides of the fence have taken it the wrong way and used it as a stick with which to beat the other over the head.
- Women read words like "submit" and "respect" and they cringe. They cringe because (1) they are not absorbing this scripture as a whole, but only concentrating on part of it and (2) the world has convinced them that it means something else entirely ... namely that women are somehow lesser and that they must bow to the all-powerful male. Not so. Not so in the least.
- Men, throughout history, have taken that same sub-segment of the whole and thought, "Yeah! I'm pretty awesome! She should serve me! And me? I've got no responsibilities or obligations! So - get to it woman!" I speak tongue in cheek here, but this is serious. Use of this scripture in this way is not only 100% wrong, it is the diametric opposite of what God is instructing of men with respect to their wives.
Take a moment and read this scripture in its entirety and think it through.
Let's start with what it means for husbands. God says, "Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ...". How did Christ love the church? He sacrificed Himself. He lowered Himself, humbled Himself, was humiliated and beaten, and He ultimately died for the Church. In short, God asks us to put our male egos aside and serve our wives. Protect them, treat them as our equal ... our own body, because we are one flesh, not two individuals anymore. Are you willing to submit to your wife's need for communication, compromise, and - most importantly - sacrifice of your own desires to fulfill hers? That is what God is asking here.
Now, the wives. God says, "Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior." Forget what the National Organization for Women has brainwashed everyone into believing for just a moment and listen to this logic: Men need to feel respected. As though they are of great worth. They need this respect unconditionally, just as much as a woman needs unconditional love. And he needs this especially so from his wife, the one he's committed himself to protect, to love, to die for, if need be. Understanding that this male need is not as self-evident to a woman as it is to men, God asks wives to simply do it without question even though ythey may not understand why. God made us very differently. This is by design - a beautiful design. Just know - coming from a male author - that men need this respect so desperately, and God asks you - his wife - to simply submit to this need. To provide it without question and without caveats of, "well, as soon as he ..."
Here's the thing about "unconditional". It comes without conditions. Thanks Captain Obvious. But despite how obvious that is, we still say things like, "He hasn't earned my respect!" and "I'll start treating her right as soon as she shows me a little respect!" When you take a step back, you can see how ridiculous these statements sound. They sound ridiculous because they are, in fact, ridiculous ... and counter-productive to actually getting you what you need.
- The Energizing Cycle is when he is loving her in the way she needs to be loved ... serving her, caring more about her needs than his own, and not worrying so much about what he's getting out of it. And she is giving him the respect he desperately needs ... acting like he somehow hung the moon, allowing him to make the final family decisions, telling him how thankful he is for working so hard for the family, and so on ... and not worrying so much about what she's getting out of it. This is a selfless cycle where both are serving the other in the way they need to be served. This is easy to picture - think about how you both acted and treated each other when you were courting one another.
- The Crazy Cycle is when both are most concerned about what each are or are not getting out of the marriage. This is a selfish cycle of insanity where he is not being loving to her, and she is not being respectful to him. One (or both) has gotten lazy in the relationship. As a result, he is not loving because he doesn't feel respected, and she is not respectful because she doesn't feel loved. And this ridiculous cycle continues, until ...
... the more mature one steps up, listens to God's word on this subject, does not wait for what THEY want, but simply provides what the other one needs. This is the epitome of unconditional. Loving and/or respecting DESPITE respect or love in return. This takes a level of faith in God's promises that many in modern society simply don't seem to have.
"So, you're telling me that - even though she nags me constantly, questions whether I can support this family, and hasn't been intimate with me in x amount of time, that I should love her in the way she needs to be loved, simply because God says so?" Yes. That's what I'm saying. And vice versa: "So, I'm supposed to show him respect even though he never talks to me, he shuts down on me when we need to talk things through the most, and he talks to me in mean tones?" Again, 100% yes.
The contract you made when you got married was with each other, sure, but it was also with God. And He sets the rules on this marriage thing. Good thing is, He knows what He's doing.
If you're experiencing a tough spot in your marriage, or you've ever pondered (God forbid) divorce, here's a Call To Action: Trust Him at his Word. And be the more mature one in order to flip the Crazy Cycle into the Energizing Cycle. "Trust and obey, because there's no other way ..."
One other truth to point out: Why does He say that the woman must respect the man, and the man love the woman, specifically? Why doesn't God just say that that each should love and respect the other? Answer: The commands given by God are purposeful. Women naturally get "love". They don't need to be TOLD to love their husband. That would be redundant, since He knows how He created woman. And men naturally get "respect". He doesn't need to be told to respect because he naturally gets that concept. Commanding him to do so would be redundant. But men don't get love as naturally. And women don't get respect as naturally, hence the specific commands in Scripture.
Make sense?
Now go show your wife you love her, and never ever stop, no matter what. And go respect your husband in the ways he needs respect, and never stop, no matter what. It will work out no matter where you are in your marriage. God promises. And when He does, He delivers. I know this from personal experience.
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