What if I said YOU were causing the issues you complain about in your marriage? I'm serious.

Don't let Hollywood blockbusters fool you ...
marriage is hard. 

Don't get me wrong - it's also a wonderful blessing and a gift from God, but it doesn't become a true blessing without self-sacrifice, selflessness, humility and a consistent providing of unconditional love and respect for one another.

We like things the way we like them, but marriage forces our selfish selves to consider the other - not equally, but above ourselves. Whoa - crazy talk. And if both do this ... actually DO this ... real magic can happen. The Hollywood moments you long for actually occur. All is well when we do our respective part ... our job in the marriage.

But then we get lazy. All the things that made us fall madly in love and respect the other in the early years ... well, we stop doing them. We shift back into our little ego-centric comfort zones, and we wonder why the marriage is in the trough. We think, "He/she has changed." But that's not it at all.

What happened is, we stopped "feeding the machine".

It takes real effort - intentionality - to feed the marriage machine. And that is hard. We have to fight against our bent for comfort and having it our way. This seems counterintuitive to achieving happiness, but that's how it works, per Scripture.

Let's pick on the dudes to begin: "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church." This means, humble yourself, think of her BEFORE yourself, be loving to her in the ways she needs love ... and provide that love irrespective of reciprocity. That's right: do it regardless of her response or doing her part. This is where faith in God's promises kicks in - do it without expectation of her, but in full expectation that God always keeps His promises. Unconditional, sacrificial, selfless love unto death, if need be. That's what Christ did for the church, so that's what you and I do. Period.

And then the magic happens, as promised. She - feeling fully loved - looks at you (her Knight) with those eyes (oh those eyes) ... with awe and respect. Gorgeous.

"My husband could literally lasso the moon .... I know it.

He could do anything he put his mind to - he's just that incredible."

Yeah. How's that feel, husband? Amazing, right? And that feeling you now have then fuels you to step up your game in the love department, doesn't it? You can't help but start showering her with all her special love language until she's utterly overwhelmed. She's floating - looking at you like she used to. Looking at you like you are the greatest man to ever walk the Earth.

And you feel it, don't you? Imagine the intimacy that follows. Could it get any better? Well, yes it can. Just watch what God will do with your obedience despite your fear - your faith in His promises.

But you must continue to fuel the engine. Never stop. Never stop courting her.

"Remember the wife of your youth." 

You remember - you couldn't stop thinking about one another. You couldn't get enough. Treat her like the delicate, precious flower that she is, and she will bloom ... responding by fulfilling all of YOUR desires - emotionally, intellectually, spiritually ... physically. Count on it.

So, what's the hold up? What are you waiting for? Oh - you don't feel respected by her currently so your plan is to hold back the love she needs until she respects you? Wake up! Listen to yourself! That's ridiculous and insane - worldly thinking! You're saying, in effect, that you'll "put gas and oil in the car once it takes you to work this month ... THEN and only THEN will you give the car what it needs!" Pure silly. First the fuel, then the beauty. That's how it works.

So step up! Step out of the crazy cycle and into the energizing love cycle. This takes only ONE THING: to trust in the Lord's promises. Question is, do you really trust Him? Well then, obey ... and then see it all unfold over time. But be patient - it will happen in His time, not yours.

God, snap me back into it. I've failed so miserably at loving my wife fully and consistently and intentionally. She not only deserves my full court press love, I am actually hurting myself by neglecting to provide that love! Help me, Lord. I'm pitiful and unable to do this without Your help. I continue to prove that.

In Jesus name. Amen.

NOTE TO WIVES: Reverse the above message for the wifey-folk. Try respecting him regardless of your feeling of "respect" for him. Do this over an extended time and tell me that it doesn't result in loving action surfacing in him. I dare you. I triple dare you. Don't fall for the worldly wisdom that "he must earn your respect". Men need, crave, desire respect, from everyone, especially from his wife. Unconditional respect ... just as much as you need love ... unconditionally ... even when you're being completely "unlovable". Respect him mostly because God commands you to submit to and respect your husband. God knows how the formula works: first, respect him ... which will result in him feeling respected ... which gets his undivided attention ... which results in a desire to pay back the favor with love you need. Like magic ... except it's not. It's just how God designed it to be.

Miracles are real. Believe it.

Coincidence is God's Way

of Remaining Anonymous. 

-- Albert Einstein

We live in a skeptical age where we want to excuse away everything as coincidence. And we should when it is just a natural occurrence. But when something is simply unexplainable or too coincidental to be a coincidence, we need to drop the irrational skepticism and embrace the miracle.

My friend, Chris, just brought one to me. In his past, he's struggled with alcohol abuse. So has his wife. In fact, though he is past his issues (2+ years sober), his wife has been struggling, and it's impacting her job, their marriage and their son. Chris has been praying hard. I've been praying for them, too. Many, actually, have been praying for them. And, if you don't know it already, I'll tell you that prayer absolutely works.

An absolute miracle occurred. A few weeks ago, their son came up to his mom, touched her stomach and said, "There's a baby in there!". After a chuckle, they explained to him that this was not true but hugged him and smiled a the thought. They'd had serious trouble with having kids AND she was on birth control out of a fear of going through what they went through with him.

But this weekend, Chris' wife came to him to let him know that she took a test, then went to the doctor, and she was pregnant! Until this weekend, because of the drinking, she had not been herself at all. Chris was a the end of his rope and was contemplating what to do next with their marriage. But this weekend, she was back to her old self. No drinking, no fights, no erratic behavior ... just Mom and wife, back again.

Chris was glowing with happiness as he told us this just this morning, just a few hours ago. Interesting thing is, the sermon at Chris' church was about being at the end of your rope, thinking things were hopeless and could not get better. But God, being the miracle worker that he is, is able to do the "impossible". And I, just before he came over, was reading about this very same thing in my Bible for Men. Here's what I read:

Men like to fix things. If there's a problem, there must be a solution, and most men will work long and hard to try and figure something out. It's an admirable work ethic, but it an lead to the faulty assumption that we control the world around us. Miracles supercede the laws of nature and are God's way of reminding us that this is HIS world, not ours. Do you hear that? This is God's world, and he is in control. God can fix anything, anywhere, anytime, and He loves to intervene  in supernatural ways to answer our prayers. So, next time you're in trouble and can't see your way out - turn to God for help. He is waiting for you to simply ask.

Lord, you amaze me every day. Miracles are happening all around me, and I would notice them if I simply stopped and looked around. And I know that you will perform miracles ... step into time and space and do supernatural things ... if I just drop my need to control and ask humbly. You are good God. And I am thankful for your long-suffering patience with me and my residual skepticism.

Continue to sculpt me, God, into the wonderful, Christ-like image you have planned for me. I love you. In Jesus name I pray. Amen and Amen.

Time machines and a woman's choice

I met yesterday morning with a man named Ruben. I've been mentoring his son, but I don't know Ruben that well. He seems like a great guy and has obviously raised a great young man, so that says something about him for sure. Ruben and his wife got pregnant in their mid-teens, in High School back in California and (1) decided to keep the baby and (2) made it work and stuck together.  Exemplary, and extremely mature for two kids in high school. Very inspiring. I can imagine the pressure that was put on them to abort their son and to not get married. I can hear the worldly voices now:

"You are too young!" and "You're throwing your life away!"

To fight against those forceful, societal voices at the ages of 15 and 16 ... amazing. And I can't imagine a world without a man like Ruben's son. I'm so proud of him. And I know Ruben must look back and thank God for the choices he and his wife made.

I wonder if anyone looks back with regret on a decision to keep a child. I just can't picture that. However, to abort and feel regret, to feel shame and remorse, I can fully imagine that. And I'm compassionate toward those who have made that decision, and she'll that regret. But we actually HAD that hindsight, I imagine, it would really be no choice at all.

Imagine this: We have figured out a way to travel forward in time, and we have made it a requirement for a woman considering abortion to flash forward and spend an hour EACH with the five-year-old, the fifteen-year-old, the 25 year-old, AND the 35 year old version of their to-be child before making the decision.

Imagine that for a moment. No one - unless they were pure evil, would still choose abortion after those interactions. And if they still did chose abortion, aren't laws in place to protect our society from such people? Isn't that the very definition of the term sociopath?

But this is not the perspective of mothers today who choose abortion. They're not thinking in terms of the to-be person they are choosing the snuff out.

Imagine further that, in that flashforward meeting, the to-be mother had to explain to their to-be child why she must abort her. Just  imagine how that extremely awkward conversation would go.

"So, I can't live because you're not ready? You were certainly ready to have sex, though, but not to allow me live after making that decision? You do know how babies are made, don't you?"

"So I'm inconvenient? You're too poor? It's your body? What? This doesn't look like your body, mom. This looks like MY body to me."

Mom. Yeah, that's right.

Could you really imagine the 25 or 35 year old saying, "Yes mom, I completely understand why you need to erase me from existence after you decided to have sex which resulted in my existence. You chose to have sex, which can and usually does result in pregnancy (AKA to 'be with child'), but I respect that after you already chose that, it's still your choice, since my body apparently is your body somehow."

Imagine a choice to kill her going well in any scenario. You can't.

More likely, she would say, "I know you were poor and I was potentially destined for a very hard life. But you didn't even give me the chance. Instead of a hard life, you chose no life for me."

God, wake this country. Show them the monstrous act that is abortion in it's real terms so we can change our laws to reflect sanity. We are so very lost. Please Lord, I ask this humbly in Jesus name. Amen

The sophomoric childishness is disconcerting

I've seen such sophomoric behavior from those who are upset about our current President. I must admit, I don't understand the level of outrage. Perhaps I'm not watching the right "news sources" who are stirring the pot. I know that he said certain off-color and/or suspect things during the election cycle (some indefensible, others completely taken out of context), but he's done nothing. Nothing. Every reaction is a dramatic over-rotation, coupled with a, "See! See! He's horrible!"

But the outrage doesn't seem to match the reality. So far, he's signed an Executive Order to defund Planned Parenthood, the nation's largest provider of abortion. I'm for that redirection of funds. He's assigned a conservative Supreme Court Justice. No surprises there. Most recently, he signed an Executive Order temporarily halting travel to/from 7 nations known for extreme terrorism. This has been spun hyper-rapidly into "xenophobia" and "islamophobia". To be clear, I have compassion for good folks who are in flux because of the temporary halt to travel, but there seems to be constant over-rotation, even pre-emptive outrage in response to everything, with expectation that he will do something horrible, even though he hasn't done a thing quite yet.

It's silly. I can't describe it any better than that. It seems like a group of spoiled brat students who are "up in arms" against a substitute teacher who is assumed to be horrible based on stories they've heard, even things he may have said in the past, but is just doing his job at this point. These 7th grade students are rolling their eyes and crossing their arms and making snide, disrespectful comments at literally everything it seems. But the teacher is just teaching so far. And they are outraged with a knee jerk, hair trigger: "He assigned us homework! I told you he was the next Hitler! See!?"

See what? To which they respond, "You're an alt-right bigot for even asking!"

And it's to the point of bullying and violence by these childish students who believe it's their right to have temper tantrums that impact normal, good citizens. They believe that looting, burning cars, and pepper spraying anyone who disagrees with them is fully justified. This is "bullying" defined.

And the "popular" kids have joined in: the actors and music artists, and others of left-leaning, high-profile influence on society. They're dog-piling on with constant vitriol-ridden speeches at awards shows, "comedy pieces" and parodies, making fun of our new leader. Hey, I'm all for good humor... ask anyone who knows me. But no one made fun of Obama like this ... not even 1% as much. Not that there wasn't significant comedy gold awaiting, but it was not okay with the bullies to do that. And that's what they are - bullies. "You don't agree with our world view? We'll bully you into silence. We'll laugh at you, scorn you, point at you with our bully friends and cackle."

It's pitiful. It's childish. And it's disconcerting that this is where we have landed as a people. Completely polarized and calling the other side the devil. What happened to respect for one another? Respect for those voted fairly into positions of authority? How about some basic good manners? Politeness and mature discourse? It seems to have vanished.

We are left with one side hopeful that at least some of their worldview might be recaptured, and the other side acting a fool, giving no credit to our leader even if he does something good. Just watch. He will do many good things over the next 6 months. But those things will not be acknowledged. The other side is simply too convinced that he is something their minds have dreamt up ... which is really a poorly drawn stereotype - a caricature - of who they fear he might be. No waiting to see if it's, in fact, true. Just a preemptive assumption and eruption for what he "will do".

As a Christian, I know I'm to be still and know that God has this. But it's hard. Seeing pure ignorance and bullying prevail... even lifted up as right and good... is disheartening. I pray that God put a stop to it. Or, even better, let it continue because it's part of a plan I don't yet understand. Because if it's His plan, it is good. And I'm 100% good with that.

I do trust you Lord. Thank you for being a promise keeper. Give me patience and compassion and forgiveness and discernment and love. In Jesus name. Amen.

Community ... it's EPIC2 ...

Community. 

The word community comes from the same root as communication. Without community, there is no communication. And without communication, we grow more and more distant from each other, not understanding or even caring to understand one another’s experience, perspectives … and subsequent fears, worries, doubts. 

I was blessed this week to hear from five individuals who each spoke from a new perspective that I’ve personally never been exposed to. And it was eye-opening. 

• I heard from an African American man who spoke on the topic of Execution in terms of how we inter-relate with people, seek to understand them, and start to make change for the better. 
• I heard about Passion, which is a choice we make to be or not to be. Am I pretending (to be a Christian, for instance)? Or am I truly passionate? One must center themselves on that which they are truly passionate, sometime at the risk of “missing out” on less important things vis-à-vis one's passion. Sometimes it means forsaking all other wants to achieve the goal about which one is passionate. 
• I heard about Integrity – doing what is morally right in all circumstances – and how messy it may get … and that’s okay. During that talk, I heard a perspective from a lesbian woman that I’d never really considered. That perspective gives me more compassion. And compassion must precede drawing someone to Christ. 
• I heard about finding the undiscovered need of our Customers, and it inspired me to gather with some of my team afterward to suggest a radical idea I’d like to try which will feed into a common need of all CIOs, and result in far larger, more valuable engagements and end states for our customers. 
• I heard about Community from the father of Malala, a woman in Pakistan who works feverishly for women’s rights in the middle east, focused on education, which they do not generally receive. 

My company calls this EPIC2 … Execution, Passion, Integrity, Customers, Community. And this aligns very nicely with my faith. It doesn’t cover the entirety of my faith by any stretch, and it certainly neglects the most important thing: faith in Christ. But it was an outstanding reminder to act (Execution) on what I know, and to continually hone what I know through continued study of scripture, and constant learning about others’ experiences. It was a reminder to make the main thing the main thing (Passion), sacrificing many if not all of my other wants for what is most important – glorifying God. Taking up my cross daily and loving my God with all my heart, soul, strength and loving my neighbor well, as I’d want to be loved and understood. It was a reminder to always do what’s right, acting with love and compassion without avoiding truth (integrity), even if that gets messy or uncomfortable or unpopular. And it was a reminder that we are called to community, so that we can lean on one another, empathize with one another, have compassion for one another and, ultimately, point everyone to the saving grace of Jesus who is the center of it all. 

Such an encouraging and energizing night it was. I’m thankful to you Father, that you use people who may not even be your sons and daughters (yet), to communicates your truth and wisdom. You are good, and I love you and trust you. 

It’s in Jesus’ name that I pray. Amen.