What if I said YOU were causing the issues you complain about in your marriage? I'm serious.

Don't let Hollywood blockbusters fool you ...
marriage is hard. 

Don't get me wrong - it's also a wonderful blessing and a gift from God, but it doesn't become a true blessing without self-sacrifice, selflessness, humility and a consistent providing of unconditional love and respect for one another.

We like things the way we like them, but marriage forces our selfish selves to consider the other - not equally, but above ourselves. Whoa - crazy talk. And if both do this ... actually DO this ... real magic can happen. The Hollywood moments you long for actually occur. All is well when we do our respective part ... our job in the marriage.

But then we get lazy. All the things that made us fall madly in love and respect the other in the early years ... well, we stop doing them. We shift back into our little ego-centric comfort zones, and we wonder why the marriage is in the trough. We think, "He/she has changed." But that's not it at all.

What happened is, we stopped "feeding the machine".

It takes real effort - intentionality - to feed the marriage machine. And that is hard. We have to fight against our bent for comfort and having it our way. This seems counterintuitive to achieving happiness, but that's how it works, per Scripture.

Let's pick on the dudes to begin: "Husbands, love your wives as Christ loved the church." This means, humble yourself, think of her BEFORE yourself, be loving to her in the ways she needs love ... and provide that love irrespective of reciprocity. That's right: do it regardless of her response or doing her part. This is where faith in God's promises kicks in - do it without expectation of her, but in full expectation that God always keeps His promises. Unconditional, sacrificial, selfless love unto death, if need be. That's what Christ did for the church, so that's what you and I do. Period.

And then the magic happens, as promised. She - feeling fully loved - looks at you (her Knight) with those eyes (oh those eyes) ... with awe and respect. Gorgeous.

"My husband could literally lasso the moon .... I know it.

He could do anything he put his mind to - he's just that incredible."

Yeah. How's that feel, husband? Amazing, right? And that feeling you now have then fuels you to step up your game in the love department, doesn't it? You can't help but start showering her with all her special love language until she's utterly overwhelmed. She's floating - looking at you like she used to. Looking at you like you are the greatest man to ever walk the Earth.

And you feel it, don't you? Imagine the intimacy that follows. Could it get any better? Well, yes it can. Just watch what God will do with your obedience despite your fear - your faith in His promises.

But you must continue to fuel the engine. Never stop. Never stop courting her.

"Remember the wife of your youth." 

You remember - you couldn't stop thinking about one another. You couldn't get enough. Treat her like the delicate, precious flower that she is, and she will bloom ... responding by fulfilling all of YOUR desires - emotionally, intellectually, spiritually ... physically. Count on it.

So, what's the hold up? What are you waiting for? Oh - you don't feel respected by her currently so your plan is to hold back the love she needs until she respects you? Wake up! Listen to yourself! That's ridiculous and insane - worldly thinking! You're saying, in effect, that you'll "put gas and oil in the car once it takes you to work this month ... THEN and only THEN will you give the car what it needs!" Pure silly. First the fuel, then the beauty. That's how it works.

So step up! Step out of the crazy cycle and into the energizing love cycle. This takes only ONE THING: to trust in the Lord's promises. Question is, do you really trust Him? Well then, obey ... and then see it all unfold over time. But be patient - it will happen in His time, not yours.

God, snap me back into it. I've failed so miserably at loving my wife fully and consistently and intentionally. She not only deserves my full court press love, I am actually hurting myself by neglecting to provide that love! Help me, Lord. I'm pitiful and unable to do this without Your help. I continue to prove that.

In Jesus name. Amen.

NOTE TO WIVES: Reverse the above message for the wifey-folk. Try respecting him regardless of your feeling of "respect" for him. Do this over an extended time and tell me that it doesn't result in loving action surfacing in him. I dare you. I triple dare you. Don't fall for the worldly wisdom that "he must earn your respect". Men need, crave, desire respect, from everyone, especially from his wife. Unconditional respect ... just as much as you need love ... unconditionally ... even when you're being completely "unlovable". Respect him mostly because God commands you to submit to and respect your husband. God knows how the formula works: first, respect him ... which will result in him feeling respected ... which gets his undivided attention ... which results in a desire to pay back the favor with love you need. Like magic ... except it's not. It's just how God designed it to be.